To be honest, it’s not that complicated. At the beginning, I only saw this place as somewhere temporary, just a stepping stone. The idea was to hold on for a while, look for some chances, then get my life back on track. Back then, my mind was clear. I knew what I wanted, and I believed there were certain lines I would never cross.
But once you really stay here, you realise the storms are not just talk. The people who make your back go cold are not the ones who look openly fierce. It’s the polished, well-dressed “successful people” who speak nicely and carry themselves like gentlemen. The moment they open their mouth, it’s all million-USDT projects, explained so perfectly it sounds like everything has already been worked out. But once利益 comes in, that thin layer breaks straight away. Underneath, the ruthlessness and coldness are impossible to hide, no matter how glossy the outside looks.
And people do not fall apart all at once. It happens little by little. When I first came, I still wanted to stand back and watch, reminding myself not to get dragged in. But after two years, desire, numbness and anxiety slowly poured in like the tide. Many of the things that used to hold me up were lost somewhere along the way, and I can’t even say exactly when. Only late at night, when everything becomes quiet, do I realise that the bit of grit in me, and the original reason I came, have almost all faded away.
What feels worst now is not being able to stand firmly on either side. If I think about going back, I see the familiar streets at home and the familiar way people deal with each other, and before anything else I feel uneasy. It’s like I can no longer reconnect with that rhythm. If I stay, I look around and still cannot find one proper project that I can honestly settle into and keep doing with both feet on the ground. The streets here are still lively, motorbikes still keep passing, the restaurants still stay open late, but inside, it feels empty all the time, just going in circles between emptiness and anxiety.
In the end, I once thought I came here to conquer life. Later I understood life does not care about that kind of big talk. What is most awkward, and most painful, is not how much hardship I have eaten. It is being stuck in a foreign country, unable to move forward, unable to step back, like someone standing at the doorway with no way to enter either side.
